


Amnesia

by one_and_only



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: AMNESIA IS SO SAD, Amnesia (song), F/M, I'm just very very sad, If Luke just dated me I would never make him that sad, Sad, So sad I want to die, brb I have to go cry my eyes out, but nothing is that sad, enjoy, goodbye friends, i need to stop listening to it probably, just appreciate it I guess and try not to want to die, level of sadness that the song amnesia is, listening to amnesia is kind of like emotional self abuse, nor will anything ever be, probably, sorry for saying brb, very sorry, wait do not enjoy that would be twisted, what kind of sicko enjoys this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-03
Updated: 2014-06-03
Packaged: 2018-02-03 05:27:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1732763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/one_and_only/pseuds/one_and_only
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She left Luke because she was afraid; he just wants to be happy without her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Amnesia

**I drove by all the places we used to hang out getting wasted**

Luke set down his bottle, remembering the first time he took her here. She'd loved it, loved everything about his hometown. He'd given her a tour of every place he loved. The park where he went when he wanted to forget the world, the rooftop where he could watch the sunset, the bar where they let him drink underage. All these places, they weren't his anymore. They were hers, and she took them. When she left him, she'd taken everything he'd shared with her. He picked up the bottle, hoping to drink her away.

**Thought about our last kiss, how it felt, the way you tasted.**

"Get back here!" he teased, wrapping his arms around her waist, pulling her on his lap. She laughed as he leaned in to kiss her. "I love you," he whispered. She stayed  silent, kissing him back. She got up, grabbing her bag. "I should go." He followed her to the door, kissing her goodbye. If only he'd known, if he'd only asked why she wouldn't tell him she loved him that day. If only he'd asked her why she'd gone home all of a sudden. He remembered her peach chapstick and the way her hair smelled and missed here all over again.

**And even though your friends tell me you’re doing fine, and you’re somewhere feeling lonely even though he’s right beside you.**

Kaya sat silently with Jackson as he flipped through the channels. She looked at him; she felt nothing. This, it was good. It was safe. She wasn't in love, but it didn't hurt. She didn't miss him when Jackson when he wasn't around. When they kissed, it didn't feel like her heart was going to explode. She didn't push any feelings away; there were no feelings to push away. This was good, she told herself. This was safe, she told herself. But even though it seemed good, safe, it wasn't where she would be happy. She wasn't alone, but she was lonely all the same.

**When he says those words that hurt you, do you read the ones I wrote you?**

 

Kaya took one last look in the mirror then turned around. "You like?" she asked, turning to face Jackson. "It's okay. Not my favorite."

Kaya ran her fingers through her hair. She knew the dress wasn't great, but she had hoped she might care about his opinion. She didn't.

"Might look a bit better if you, you know, slimmed down," he added. Kaya bit her tongue, resisting the urge to fight back. "You know, I don't really feel like going out tonight," she said. "Why don't you just go home?"

"Look, sorry if that offended you," Jackson said insincerely, still clicking at his phone. "but don't be a drag just because your feelings got hurt."

"It's not that, Jack, really. I'm just not up to it."

"Fine, be that way," he scoffed. "Call me when you grow up." He left, slamming the door on the way out. Kaya stripped out of her dress, throwing on sweats. She sat on her bed, thinking. Jackson hurt her, yes. She didn't want to hurt, she didn't want to  _feel._ That was why she started seeing Jackson, she hadn't thought she would feel a thing with him. She did, though, now she did. Not loving feelings, Kaya nearly despised him. She hated this piece of her, this piece of her that felt. That's why she left Luke, ultimately. Luke. His name rang through her memories. She went to her box, a box she kept with everything he gave her, because she couldn't give it up.

Kaya pulled out a card he's given her on Valentine's day last year. "To the only girl I'll ever love," he'd written.

**Sometimes I start to wonder, was it just a lie?** **If what we had was real, how could you be fine?**

 

Luke sat in his desk chair, surfing through this bloke's Twitter, then Facebook, then Instagram, shamelessly searching for pictures of Kaya, with Kaya, about Kaya. It had been nearly six months since she walked out him and he's no better than he was the day of. He's possibly worse. If he thought it was bad then, spending every night searching for pictures of her, scrappling for how she was doing was like a whole new level of hell. It's not that he hadn't met anyone else; he tried to get over her, he so did. He couldn't. There was no one like Kaya, and Luke was fairly certain he would never love anyone else ever again. From the pictures, Kaya seemed fine. Not overly happy, but fine. That's good, Luke reasoned. She's happy. 

But what about us? A terrifying thought entered Luke's brain. If Kaya was fine, if Kaya was okay, then had any of this meant anything to her? Luke had been a wreck since she left. He thought she had felt the same way about him, but maybe not. Had Kaya... had Kaya loved him at all? Was any of it real to her?

**I remember the day you told me you were leaving, I remember the makeup running down your face.**

"Hey, can I come in?" Kaya asked when Luke opened the door. "Sure, love... are you alright?" he asked, concerned. Her face was wrecked, mascara running down her cheeks. "Kaya, talk to me. What happened?"

"It's nothing, Luke, nothing happened, it's just--"

"Then what? You're clearly not okay. How can I fix it?"

"I can't do this anymore!" she blurted out. Luke looked up from where he was petting her hair.

"What? You're not serious..."

"I am, Luke, I'm sorry. It's over."

"But... but Kaya, I love you!  _I love you._ You're everything to me. You can't leave me, Kaya, please." A tear slipped from his eye.

"I'm so sorry, Luke."

"Will you tell me why, at least? We can work through this. Was is something I did?"

"No, no it isn't you," Kaya insisted. "It's complicated."

"Is it someone else?"

Kaya paused. There was nobody else, but saying there was seemed better the truth. She sighed.

"Yes."

**And the dreams you left behind you didn’t need them, like every single wish we ever made.**

"And we'll move to someplace cool, like Paris or Rome!" Kaya exclaimed. She and Luke were lying around in bed, dreaming, planning their future. "And I'll learn to cook, and you can teach me guitar!"

"And I'll marry you," Luke said, smiling. Kaya smiled. "I'd love that."

** I wish that I could wake up with amnesia, forget about the stupid little things. Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you, and the memories I never can escape. **

Luke squeezed his eyes shut, shoving the sound of her laugh out of his head. He didn't think he'd get used to this, waking up without her. Not ever. He missed the way she crinkled her nose when she smiled and he missed the way she laughed at everything. He missed every second with her. He missed cooking while Kaya pretended to help; he missed lying on her bed and distracting her while she tried to study. He missed every dumb, little detail that he had memorized about her. He wished he could just forget, forget all of it.

** The pictures that you sent me they’re still living in my phone. I admit I like to see them, I admit I feel alone. All my friends keep asking why I’m not around. **

"Luke, bro, it's been six months. You need to delete them, they're making you miserable," Calum insisted. 

"No."

"What's even the point of keeping them? So you can spend another Saturday night crying over Kaya instead of going out, like a normal seventeen year old?"

"I'll get her back, Calum, and when I do I'm going to want those pictures."

"If you're getting her back, bro, go. Get her back. But when you do, can you do us a favor and start being around?"

** It hurts to know you’re happy and to face that you’ve moved on. It’s hard to hear your name when I haven’t seen you in so long. **

Kaya sat at her laptop, surfing through Twitter. More specifically, surfing through pictures of Luke with fans. She knew he wasn't seeing them, obviously she would have heard, but that didn't change the fact that they could stand with him, take pictures with him. They didn't hate her; it didn't pain them to be around him. She hasn't seen Luke since the day she left, but his name is like a fresh wound. She thought this was better. She thought she had just been speeding up the inevitable; she thought it would hurt less.

Across London, Luke was sitting with Michael, staring at his phone.

"Just call her."

"What if she picks up?"

"You talk to her! Luke, you love her, you can't let this go on any longer."

"But what do I even say? How do I know she'll want me?"

"Look, lad, you didn't hear this from me, but she hasn't been the same since you two broke up. I'm positive she misses you too."

"But what about that guy?"

"Jackson? He's a douche. They barely dated for two months, I still can't figure out why."

"Two months? She dumped me for some asshole for only  _two months_?"  


"Bro, what the fuck? She didn't dump you for Jackson."

Luke looked up, confused. "Yeah, she did. I asked her if it was another guy, when she left, she said it was."

"I don't know why she would tell you that, but she didn't meet Jackson until a few months ago. I know, I was at that same party."

"What? No. I asked her why she was leaving, I asked if it was another guy." Luke hit Kaya's contact and called her angrily.

"Luke? What are you--"

"Why did you leave me?"

"What? Luke, what are you talking about? I told you, that day I told you."

"You lied to me, Kaya. You broke my heart and you _lied._ "

"What do you want to hear, Luke?"

"I'm coming over. I need to talk to you." Luke hung up the phone and ran to the car, speeding all the way to Kaya's. He pounded on the door, but there was no need. She opened instantly.

"Come in."

"Thanks."

"So, it's been a while," she said awkwardly. 

"Kaya, stop it. I don't need your small talk; all I want is for you to be straight with me."

"Ask me whatever you want," Kaya conceded, sitting on the couch. Luke settled in the chair across from her.

"Why did you leave?"

"I told you."

"You lied to me. I know, Michael told me that you met that asshole long after we ended."

"I'm sorry I lied."

"I don't want your apologies, I want to know why you shattered my heart. I want to know why you lied. You broke my heart, K, you broke _me_. You made me want to forget all of this, you made me want to forget the last two years ever happened, just so that maybe I could move on. So why, Kaya? Why did you leave? And lie?"

"I lied to you because it seemed safer."

Luke looked at her, puzzled. "Safe?"

"I lied because 'someone else' seemed safer than 'I love you so much and it frightens me, and I don't think I'll live without you but I need you, because nothing works out, not like this, not so young. Not with one of us on tour half the year and one of us living in London. And I love you so much, it pains me, and I hate that. And I hate that you make me feel things, feel things for you.' Do you get it?"

Luke looked up at her, biting his lip. "Do you... do you still feel like that?"

"I still love you that much, if that's what you mean."

"I wish you would have told me," Luke said quietly. "We could have worked through it. I loved you so much, Kaya, I still love you so much."

"I know, Luke. I love you too, I need you to know that. Please don't hate me."

"I don't--I couldn't hate you, never. I'm still in love with you. I want you back."

Kaya looked across the  table at him, grinning. "I want that too. I want you back too."

Luke got up from his seat and kissed her fiercely. "I love you," Kaya said. "I love you, and I used to be afraid of those feelings but not anymore. Now? Now I know that I'm going to feel. And it's scary, but I'm facing it. And I want to face it with you."

** If today I woke up with you right beside me, like all of this was just some twisted dream, I’d hold you closer than I ever did before, and you’d never slip away. **

"I love you," Luke whispered in Kaya's ear, waking her up. "I love you more," she said, smiling into a kiss. "I'm sorry, about all of these past six months."

"Nonsense. I mean, you should tell me your feelings and stuff, but that time, you needed it. We don't have to talk about it. Being without you was like torture; it was like a sick joke. But now? All of it's irrelevant."

"I love you," she smiled up at him. "I love you, forever, and I want forever with you."

"You're never slipping away again," Luke smiled, kissing Kaya deeply, their own promise of forever.

 

 

 

 


End file.
